It's okay to not know....oh...anything!
What did you know about pregnancy.... before you were pregnant?
What did you know about newborns....before you had one?
What do you think you know about newborns if you haven't had one yet?
Toddlers? Teens? Yeah, until you are actually there...it's hard to actually know!! 😨
And that is just a fact!
There is a whole heck of a lot that we as parents do not know. And, that is okay! There is no amount of reading books, listening to podcasts, watching experts on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook etc. which will make you the perfect parent all of the time. It may make you the most confused and exhausted. Hard moments? Yep. Perfect moments? Absolutely! 💗
We are fortunate here to work with live humans in real life, and one thing that happens in the shop, and is starting to happen again... is that moms cry. So, why the tears today?
1. New Mom
"I just didn't realize it would be like this."
Even the Snoo doesn't work, she just won't sleep and we are so tired I feel like I'm losing my mind and I already lost my body. She's perfect of course and we love her...."
Oh mama, of course you love her! We talked for like an hour maybe? (So, that's the good thing about having a pandemic impacted business? You can give yourself fully to your clients!) The tears were dried, she felt a little more hopeful, had a few new tips and tools.
Doing it "right" means acknowledging that you don't know what you're doing. And sharing that, and asking for help.
What kind of support and help you get can vary, depending upon you. But, if you need help? Get it!! You and your baby deserve nothing less.
Tips for New Parents
There is no right or wrong, there is only what feels best to you to try.
- Find/call/text/email some friends/family members (more than one is recommended) trust them, let them take baby for a walk for at least an hour, ideally at a time that you would eventually like your baby to take a nap or go to sleep for the night. (10, 1, 3 or 5:30/6)
- Find a Postpartum Doula (We were really lucky to have the amazing Kate Dane work with us in the shop for a bit, and she is a doula too! There are many other wonderful doulas, but, shameless plug to do with as you will. www.mamahavendoulacare.com)
- Get a Night Nurse
- If you have a co-parent whom you trust, have a conversation and make a schedule for the two of you so you each get some alone time without baby. This can be hard, but it's important and trust me, your baby will never remember this, and you will gain a tool which will serve you well for years to come. No joke.
- Do a One Minute Meditation
You are doing it perfectly. You are perfect parents for your perfect child/ren...by which I mean you are perfectly imperfect, just like your kids.
2. Expecting her second son "I'm happy of course...but...honestly, not thrilled. It's hard work, why am I doing it again?! And, I'm afraid that that with two of the same one will be better at sports, or school, or something and the other will feel bad."
I just reminded her, repeatedly, that it was all going to be okay.
In my experience- which is definitely not everyone's- the second was way easier-because I wasn't as nervous! I knew that they might cry (okay, would cry!)..a lot, I knew truly what to expect! As one customer cried once "I thought that it was going to be all rainbows and sunshine, and oh how it is not that!"
And talk about future tripping, we worry about the future feelings of the baby in utero! 😂 I reminded her that our job is to love them for the unique wonderful individual that they are! I didn't get all therapist on her (because, ha, I'm not a therapist!) but usually those fears are based on our experience as children, and that almost always does seem to be the case in many of my convos with second time moms.
Tips for nerves and worry:
- Gently ask yourself how worrying about it is helpful.
- Find professional support for you. (Do not expect the other exhausted overwhelmed parent to do this for you-be it therapy or a massage!)
- Hug your baby/kid/kids and tell them that you love them-or, if you're not a hugger, just tell them, or find some way of conveying love that is comfortable for you.
- Breathe for a nanosecond.
- Look around you and make a mini gratitude list of 3 things that you are grateful for, in this very moment.
- Remind yourself that our brains are plastic and there are other things to think about-the more we go to worry, the deeper that groove gets and the harder it is to change to another tune.
To those mamas who cried today and all the days these past 24 years, thank you. Thank you for trusting me. I trust that for 99.999% of you, everything worked out fine. Why? Because, the odds are good that I'm right.
How would you know? Before you learned how to ride a bicycle, you needed a bicycle, and then you had to fall a few times.
You. Have. Got. This.